March 8th, 2014

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Once again I’ve been making a serious attempt at regular meditation. I hesitate to talk about it because I’m embarrassed at how often I’ve failed at it, but I’ve started looking forward to my daily session. One thing I’ve noticed from the beginning is that I often get the feeling of flying through space having a bird’s eye view of the land below me and the sense that I’m searching for home. Not a physical place, but just an intense yearning and seeking. I usually take this to mean that I’m letting my mind wander and I need to drag my focus back, but it coincides with finding a chapter in a book about home and homesickness that I read recently. The rest of the book was okay, but that chapter was in the right place at the right time for me. Among other things, the author writes, “We are created with an inner drive and necessity that sends all of us looking for our True Self, whether we know it or not. This journey is a spiral and never a straight line.” That line gave me a shock when I read it because the mantra I repeat to myself sometimes in meditation is Sat Nam, which some interpret as “true self.” Another reason for my instant identification with the quote is the spiral tattoo on my wrist. Before I even saw the design on the wall of a tattoo parlor in Hawaii, I was fixated on having ink on my wrist. And when I saw it, I immediately knew it was the right one but no idea why. I didn’t find until years later that it was the Maori symbol for “unfolding,” but when I did, I was once again sure of the rightness of my choice.  Ever since I was thrust out of my early childhood paradise by the breakup of my family, I’ve never felt at home anywhere, no matter how long I lived in one place.  I’ve always envied people who have happily lived in one place all their lives or who had a place to return to that felt like a homecoming or who moved to a place that instantly felt like home. I always thought that would happen over the years, and when it didn’t, I blamed it on something missing in me. Maybe I’m outgrowing that dream, or maybe I’m finally realizing that there have been signs all along, like my tattoo, that have been pointing me in a different direction. Instead of feeling as if I’m lacking a home base or a home town, I might need to allow my yearning to take me both inward and outward like the spiral in order to have a homecoming in the truest sense of the word.

4 Responses to “Unfolding”

  1. Veronica says:

    Coming home to your Self. Yes to that.

  2. nikki says:

    Easier said than done!

  3. I love this piece especially about you coming home to yourself. Isn’t it wonderful when you show up for yourself in new ways?! I’m actually writing about a similar subject in my blog tomorrow.

  4. Laura says:

    Precisely what I needed to hear. Home is inward. I carry it within me. That’s a nice thought when the rest of life is so uncertain.

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