The Roads Not Traveled

December 8th, 2010

So many things on my mind –this and that and that and this– that the calendar  I tape on the door is overloaded too. I have to believe that having a great therapist who urged me to try EMDR has worked wonders because instead of being paralyzed by anxiety, I’m taking one thing at a time. Not freaking out when the dishwasher dies, not freaking out when the heat quit the same night (coldest of the year so far), not freaking out when I make a to-do list and realize how many things have to be crossed off before I can leave for London, not freaking out when I worry I’m letting my co-workers down, not freaking out when I realize what a crazy dare this is. I hope I’m trailblazing new pathways in my brain that will let me see the world differently and walk through it with more confidence. Who knows? The brain is so mysterious, and so is the soup of emotions, passions, yearnings that we brew up in our youth and drink in adulthood. Can we really change? Can I uncover a bit of the original me that was imprisoned by domestic tragedy and “disorder and early sorrow”? I would like to think there are routes yet to be created through my brain that might lead to a life I’ve only imagined. Why not try when there’s nothing to lose. And most of the time there’s nothing to lose that’s not imaginary and oh so much to be gained.

5 Responses to “The Roads Not Traveled”

  1. jodi says:

    What a post! I love this. “Can we really change? Can I uncover a bit of the original me that was imprisoned by domestic tragedy and early pain, neglect and sorrow?” This sentence got to me. I can relate. All you can do is keep moving, one foot forward and trust that every step you are taking is taking you home. How exciting!

  2. Laurie says:

    Not freaking out is a huge thing to check off on your “Done” list, Nikki, or at least on the “In Progress” list.

    EMDR has worked wonders for a friend dealing with very deep issues of childhood trauma, also getting her to that “not freaking out” place in ways she never thought possible.

    And London! How wonderful. Some of my best memories were made in London January 1979, even though that winter sun had an arc as narrow as a parenthesis across the northern sky–and had pretty much put itself to bed by 3:30ish each afternoon. Even so, that quality of light got to me and I saw exactly how it epitomized what C.S. Lewis called Northerness. I wish you Godspeed.

  3. nikki says:

    Love “Notherness” — I’d never heard that before.

  4. paraffin wax says:

    nice post,i agree with u,keep note.

  5. Rebecca says:

    I really like this “one thing at a time” concept. I am incorporating it myself as well for the new year. I have found that in this age of technology we are pulled in so many directions and are so easily distracted that achieving peace of mind has somehow become its unfortunate byproduct.

    I am all for learning, changing, and growing because the day we stop, it’s the day we die.

    Wishing you a most safe and happy new year and new you!

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