Quick, Before I Think!

May 21st, 2012

It was Sunday and I couldn’t shake the feeling that tears were in my forecast, hovering on the edge of my consciousness like a gray cloud getting bigger and bigger. Depression is in my DNA so I have to be hyper vigilant in a way other people don’t. I have to ask myself if it’s just normal sadness because of an external event or the kind that suddenly pours down on me out of a blue sky when everything in my life is pretty good. To forestall a meltdown, I decided to go for a walk — get those endorphins working! — and when I got home, I did an hour of yoga on my own. Sweat, songs on my Shuffle and the feeling of accomplishment because I stuck with entire yoga sequence on my iPad. All good, but what made the most difference was impulsively dumping out the tubes of watercolors I keep on the kitchen table, pulling a brush out of the jar I keep on the sink and quickly dashing off a little sketch of flowers in a vase. I didn’t let myself think about it, didn’t spend a long time setting out my tools, didn’t stall on the diving board afraid of jumping off. ┬áMaking something! Amazing how it made my internal sun come out.

11 Responses to “Quick, Before I Think!”

  1. I have that problem with depression too. When I was younger, I’d kinda slide into it gradually and come out of it the same way. Now it’s like being tackled and thrown to the ground–it hits suddenly, I fall so hard, and I feel pinned and helpless.

    I’m glad you regained your footing in such a positive way.

  2. nikki says:

    That day I did…every day is a new challenge

  3. Nikki,
    What a great prescription for the creeping seeping sucking emotional slime: reach for color and brushes and freedom…..after moving around. I too have made creative tools at the ready by turning my living room into a mostly-studio with a little social area in the corner next to the built-in bookshelves. It helps to have all at-the-ready. thanks for the reminder. Deborah

  4. nikki says:

    yes, I have to trick myself into playing!

  5. Angie says:

    I’m the queen of self sabotage and second guessing. So refreshing to remember how art takes shape.

  6. Allison says:

    And what you made is beautiful!

  7. nikki says:

    Thank you!

  8. harriet says:

    You are always so honest and inspiring! Reaching for the paint always helps me~ you are far more creative and talented than you know and I appreciate you all the time! Thanks Nikki for your continued inspiration!! ­čÖé

  9. Tori Walters says:

    The creation of art is almost always healing. I have the same problem. This morning I woke up and wanted to cry, went to finally get a haircut, didn’t like it..wanted to cry. I wrote then posted my blog and felt better. It seems I feel overwhelmed a lot lately with all I have going on. And sometimes with nothing going on. Thanks for letting me vent.

  10. nikki says:

    Yes, that’s it exactly!

  11. nikki says:

    Thank you, Harriet!

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