Out of the Blue

September 22nd, 2013

web key west blue

It’s such a cliche, but I’ve been obsessing about next week’s upcoming milestone birthday. Mulling over mortality, wondering if I have a second (make that a third) act in me, afraid to take a leap. I don’t want to fear the future or be paralyzed by my age because there are so many things I still want to do, some of which are doable and others of which seem blue sky:  take an online calligraphy class, get an MFA, learn about self-publishing, learn to stop self-punishing, see more of the world, build another Tumblr site, publish a pop-up “newspaper,” learn to put on eyeliner correctly, live in a different place every year. But most of all, I’m still learning to accept happiness. I doubt that will ever get taken off my to-do list. I grew up in a “bleak house” in which the worst was always expected, the bills were juggled with tears every month, and love was served with bitters. The hounds of downheartedness were always hot on the heels of happiness, so my first instinct still is to watch my back because bad might be on the way. Sneak in that happiness when the gods are busy elsewhere.  I work hard to change my hardwiring, but I’m not aways successful. That’s when I’m  envious of friends who seem to have been born with the perky, optimistic gene. I don’t have it, but I take heart from the AA slogan of “Fake it till you make.” I know that when I smile (even when I don’t feel it), I can sense a little uptick in my endorphins. When I say something nice to someone (even when I don’t 100% feel it), I feel better about that person (at least for the moment). And when I say something nice to myself, I realize how often I talk smack to the mirror. I’ll never be someone born on the sunny side of the street, but I think I can become a born-again believer that joy is our birthright. Smile, Nikki, you’re on karma camera!

2 Responses to “Out of the Blue”

  1. claire says:

    brilliant post.
    your birthday present from us is a ticket to come see us.
    love you always birthday girl.

  2. Travel Patty says:

    You will never be old with that attitude, Nikki! Hope it was a great birthday!

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