Over the Next Hill

October 30th, 2010

Are you where you belong? If so, you’re lucky, because I’ve never lived anywhere I didn’t consider temporary. Even if I was there for decades. One of the favorite paintings I own shows an open road stretching into the horizon and pretty much sums up my ambivalence about home. I long for it but never feel I’m quite rooted anywhere, that there is always somewhere “out there” that’s my real home. My search is complicated by ruling out places that are haunted by my past, certain locations that constitute holy ground for me, where intense emotions are seared into the atmosphere, where I loved or lost, where emotional vibrations disturb the air like the silence after music. A graveyard in Kentucky, a certain quality of light on a street in San Diego, the townhouse where my marriage died, the university quad where I fell in love at first sight. Places whose soundtrack could only be Chopin’s Prelude, Opus 28 No 4 in E Minor. If I moved anywhere near those spots, I wouldn’t be able to sleep at night, wouldn’t be able to stop myself from revisiting the past, couldn’t not haunt them like a living ghost. So my soul is always on the road, always looking for rest, for rescue, for a place that strikes the missing chord.

2 Responses to “Over the Next Hill”

  1. I look ahead to other places not because I’m not rooted or I’m searching for “the place” that feels like home. I think all my homes are temporary mostly because I think I could be at home almost anywhere.

    There are places I recall with great fondness. Places that shaped me and held me tight. But I dont want to live there again. I know it wasn’t the “place” that was magical; it was the moment. The interaction of the “self” of that time with the setting.

    I have friend who burns to move back to a place she hasn’t lived in in 30 years. She’s divorcing her husband and leaving her kids 500 miles behind to move there. I’m wondering how that’s going to work out…

  2. Jodi says:

    this is beautiful and so perfectly captures how i have felt my whole life – constantly searching for my home; my heart scattered over a million different highways where i left the pieces. It’s refreshing to know that i am not alone in that.

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