In the Dark

April 23rd, 2010

It’s easy for me to be philosophical and full of hope when things are going well, but I don’t always set a great example for myself or anyone around me when things don’t go my way. Yesterday several things came unraveled at once, and I threw myself onto my unmade bed and sobbed into the pillow for a long time for no reason and every reason: the unmade bed, the grandson I love who can’t find his way, my daughter’s illness, problems at work, my lack of ideas, the broken dishwasher, my screwed-up knee, the stupid purchase I didn’t need that showed up in the mail just when I was worrying about money, a skirt that was suddenly too tight and nothing in the house to eat but flax chips and hummus (any connection with the tight waistband?). I can make up the bed, return the purchase and get the dishwasher fixed, but I have to admit that there are some things on that list that are too big for me, things I don’t know how to solve, things that I can only hand over to the universe, the great spirit, the holy fixer of broken hearts and people. I’m learning how to be in the dark and wait.

6 Responses to “In the Dark”

  1. Oh, how I understand. Sending a little prayer your way.

  2. I think throwing oneself on the bed and crying is a perfect response when everything hits at once. We hear too much about standing strong against adversity and being relentlessly positive and not enough about ducking into the wave of our grief and riding it for a while, waiting for our feet to touch ground or the will to swim against the tide returns.

    I hope the weekend returns some of your strength.

  3. nikki says:

    thank you!

  4. Jen R. says:

    That post just made me take a deep breath. I hope your cry was as good for you as it was for me.

  5. nikki says:

    Yes, because I so rarely cry, it was incredibly cleansing.

  6. Charné says:

    Sometimes it’s good to just go with it!!

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