October 14th, 2008

I just started Wise Heart by Jack Kornfield and in the first chapter, he observes how hard it is for many of us to believe in our goodness. We have no difficulty identifying with our shadow side but our goodness? Oh no! And my Shadow is all I can see right now. I was invited to the premier of a movie this week based on a novel written by an acquaintance. It has been on the NY Times and Barnes and Noble bestseller lists forever, and my shadow side is having a temper tantrum, kicking its heels on the floor and screaming. I’m a jealous bitch. I know the author worked really hard at her craft to garner such great reviews and boatloads of money, and that is where the real envy kicks in. Admitting that I’m probably lazy and undisciplined, that I come home from work and don’t sit down and write or do my yoga or read something difficult. Realizing that maybe I don’t have a unique lens through which I view the world. That’s why I’m in mad love with these African sunflowers that come up in my yard every year. They’re not lazy, but they’re not driven to bloom before the roses or the hibiscus or the morning glory. They inch up all summer and get tall and gangly and crowd up against each other and hang out by the stone Buddha and the rosemary bush, and when it’s almost time for frost, they erupt in a communal yellow song that dies out like a golden om, leaving a faint vibration behind in the air. They don’t brood about how to get to the head of the class, or be teacher’s pet, ¬†or get a gold star. They don’t bitch about how the gardenia smells better or the amaryllis has a bigger bloom. They don’t have an agenda, a planner or a bucket list. They send out silent roots underground and don’t brag about what they’ll do next spring. They flower forth and then they go dormant for awhile, building up their strength until the planet cycles around again. All in good time.

5 Responses to “Homework”

  1. m. heart says:

    this is a really beautiful analogy, and something i need to keep in mind myself.

  2. Donna says:

    right on! completely!

    I relate to so many of your posts. You DO have a unique lens, keep at it.


  3. V-Grrrl says:

    Oh Nikki, I really GET this.

    Thanks for writing it and sharing these thoughts–GOOD THINGS. Things the rest of us need too.

  4. frida says:

    I hate this side of myself — it makes me feel so small–but I know I have to keep ooking at it in order to understand it someday and forgive myself.

  5. Marilyn says:

    Your writing is truly inspirational.