June 19th, 2010

Just a day after I was rejoicing about being lucky to be alive, I was losing my temper, yelling at coworkers and family and sobbing as if my heart had cracked open like a dam all the way home from work. It made me feel like a wild animal suddenly unmasked, and I know it’s because I rarely let myself feel angry and then I blow.  I want to learn how to live with that wild animal — not kill her spirit but not let her kill others’ either.  I hate that I’m not always honest with myself, that I’m afraid of the dark inside, that I’m always wishing someone would kiss a hurt and make it go away–when deep down I know I have to be both the hurt and the healer. Why isn’t real life like a blog? Full of epiphanies and arty insights and latte-thoughts to live by instead of the raw skin and scars that come from rubbing up against our own and others’ humanness.

4 Responses to “Grrrrr”

  1. Certainly, I hear you–I think so many of us are caught in the struggle to integrate the power of our creative selves with the day-to-day realities of living in the world. At least for me there are countless times when I’m full of that 4 yr. old’s conflict of wanting to be loved and admired without needing to interact with anyone.

    I still believe though, the answer is always in the art. The hard part is living that belief.

  2. V-Grrrl says:

    I recently told someone that I was tired of the silent treatment, tired of being expected to speak only when spoken to, tired of feeling like I had to don a virtual burkha and hide my femaleness to be acceptable, and tired of being stoned by those who felt threatened by my openness. I was not going to fold myself into an ever smaller package, waiting until I reached a “size” that made me safe and innocuous and manageable.

    While those words needed to be said, that frustation and anger expressed, they also appeared to have ended a long-term relationship. Part of me is sad, part of me is relieved, part of me feels empowered.

  3. LOVE this post!!! hehe especially the pic! I get mad like this sometimes myself and probably look like this to those who see me!!hehe

  4. i duhno if u will try it or nt ..but vaseline or petroleum jelly is the best …it wokrs miracles and ones u apply it no knick knack of the sticy feeling too ..its great and it

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