Tonight I almost uploaded the photo of the man I loved to death. I think our love affair literally hastened his death or at least the death of certain romantic illusions we shared. But I’m a little shocked at how reluctant I am to put his photo up for public consumption. After all, isn’t that what we do on blogs? Reveal and expose in the name of sharing, connecting, getting closer? And yet, I find that there are still some people and events that I cannot share simply because a photo or a blog entry will not do them justice. I can say, “He was so emotionally hungry that I could never fill him up,” or he could say, “She withheld her love to punish me for me for my sins.” And both of those statements are true and neither of them tells the whole story. He loved and punished me. I loved and froze him out. We loved and yet could never bridge the distance between us. We truly wanted to devour and incorporate each other. Shocking, embarrassing, neurotic, but I don’t need to be forgiven. In Digital World we want to tell all, explain all, probe all, show how sensitive we are, use our lives for fodder and then move on, but I can’t. No memoir I write could contain our worlds, explain or forgive our flaws, make anyone else understand the folie a deux we danced. And that is why I hate memoirs–because at base they fake it or betray it or leave chunks of information out that they don’t even know they’re missing. Our truths shift every day, according to whether the sun shines or we hear “our” song on the radio or we are distracted by life or struck down by a memory. Odi et amo–a mystery that no longer needs to be solved. So this is what I looked like when he fell in love with me, but I will never show what he looked like when I fell in love with him. Because as long as it’s a secret that I refuse to share with the world, he still lives inside me and the love goes on.

3 Responses to “Saving Your Soul from Facebook”

  1. Great post, Nikki. And I’ll drink to not oversharing.

  2. I just let these words wash all over me. So beautiful, so true, so real. What a great post!

  3. Our truth does shift every day. What charms in one moment is viewed as a red flag in another. It is exhausting to keep rewriting the past, but I also think there is value in acknowledging how fluid memory and truth are, in acknowledging that each version of our lives tells part of our story.

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