“Recalculating”

August 7th, 2012

I just read a post on a website called Journaling Saves about recalibrating, that thing the GPS does when you take a detour that’s not in the plan — or as my GPS calls it, “recalculating.”  It really resonated with me as I feel I’m doing that almost daily lately. I’m at a time in my life when I thought I would be on a route that was predictable and safe. After all, I reasoned, I’m not likely to fall madly in love again the way I did in my 30s. New ventures are probably in my rear view mirror — I started a business that actually became successful and how often does lightning strike twice? Uncertainty and fear of the future? That was supposed to be behind me as well, and yet here I am, thinking of upending life as I know it and setting out on a course that is frightening and possibly will end in tears. Just as this is going on, my finances have been taking crazy hits: a water bill that quadrupled, insurance premiums that doubled, a tooth that required a root canal and a pricey crown.  All at the same time, underlining the risk of what I’m contemplating. Every day, I’m forced to recalculate, to wonder if I should put on the brakes and pull over. Because what is driving me is not a brilliant idea that can’t be denied or an incredible opportunity that I just can’t ignore. Somehow I could justify that, even if there were some risk involved. But no, it’s the sense of not being able to go in the same direction one more “Groundhog” day, and trusting this vague but intense feeling rather trusting in the viability of a new project is completely foreign. I simply don’t have a role model or a road map for this particular journey. I would love to be able to tell people I’m working on a novel or starting a new business or throwing everything over to pursue a long-deferred passion for painting. It would make me feel less lost and more like the adult in charge. Instead, I’m just recalculating over and over, with no clear destination in sight yet. Ever found yourself on this path before?

 

8 Responses to ““Recalculating””

  1. Tori Walters says:

    YES. Though I feel some direction now it gets sidetracked easily and I end up just as, if not more, confused than I was to start with. I’m grateful for the small direction but I know that can fade easily. Sometimes the most miniscule change in the day can help. Hang in there.

  2. Kelley says:

    Definitely! I thought I knew what I wanted when I retired this past January, but the reality seems to be a little left of the mark. So I’ve been recalculating and recalculating and recalculating and it’s starting to look like I’ve turned down some lost country road that the satellite can’t even see.

  3. nikki says:

    Thanks for the encouragement!

  4. nikki says:

    Glad I’m not alone in this!

  5. I’ve been there, debating whether a big change would alter my discomfort and unhappiness with my life or whether my discontent was embedded in me like life schrapnel and I’d never be able to remove it.

    I agree with Tori that small changes can have a significant payoff. Have you ever read The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin? I confess I couldn’t finish it because I found it annoying (ha ha ha), BUT the overall premise, that small changes can yield appreciable results is one I agree with, and that tracking changes can help us make them is good too.

  6. nikki says:

    I kind of skimmed the book and go on her web site occasionally but I thought it was annoying too! Fear is always a big factor for me to overcome when change is involved.

  7. Jackie says:

    I too thought that book was annoying too! Yes, the premise makes sense…and could be helpful. But, I need things to be deeper and more meaningful. Anway…for me…I feel stuck in mud..in my situation. I feel like I have so many great things in reach and I truly work so hard for those things and work hard to gain experience to make myself more valuable…yet I haven’t been able to move forward… or to get into a better situation…even to get to a place where if I miscalculate and splurge a little on things or trips that would make me happier and give me more inspiration to create MORE art than its okay. i feel you. even a little bit. I dont know..I feel like I can relate to every one of your posts. But, seriously, I’ve said this since I graduated college 4 years ago…simply…I’m a lost soul.

  8. nikki says:

    I think we all go through times when we are lost souls…I always think I’m the only who doesn’t have a clue, that everyone else is living a magazine-moment life. It’s just sometimes hard to get unstuck without help. I feel old as dirt and yet like I’m constantly starting over. You might be lost but you’re not alone.

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