Looking UP

October 12th, 2009

I’ve been very aware lately of how I walk with my head down and my eyes on the ground most of the time. Of course, there are lots of beautiful little things to notice down there, but I don’t think that’s why I do it. It’s a posture that involves a bent neck, a kind of subservient keeping-a-low-profile attitude, and I suspect it’s developed over time until it’s become not only a way of walking, but a way of thinking about myself. I know intellectually how much I’ve accomplished with the little I began with and how hard I worked to do it, but that knowledge doesn’t seem to penetrate my heart. Deep down I’m still a wannabe, not a winner, according to some arcane emotional math I use to arrive at that conclusion. I’ve known for a long time that was my particular psychic battle, but until I saw it reflected in my physical posture it never made that satisfying “click” that signals an aha! moment. It may be a lifelong struggle, but now I have a practical weapon to use instead of lobbing happy affirmations to my image in the mirror Stuart-Smalley style. Whenever I catch myself walking with my head down, neck bent in surrender to life, I lift it up and remind myself of something I’m proud of. It might be as silly as pretending I just gained an inch or so in height or that I’m balancing something on my head or as concrete as remembering I finished writing the magazine cover and it was good. I have to do it over and over again every day, but connecting the physical sensation with the mental reminder was a genuine breakthrough for me.

4 Responses to “Looking UP”

  1. Isabel says:

    This is so true, Nikki. I always tell my daughter Cat that our physical posture is an exterior expression of our interior emotion. But it took me awhile to realize where all that neck pain came from ;)Actually, I am still working on it.

  2. V-Grrrl @ Compost Studios says:

    I have struggled with that sense of never arriving at "success" for many years. I am not as hard on myself as I once was. I like to think my view is more balanced but so much of the way I think about myself and my life is ingrained and I know it holds me back and holds me down in every sense of the word.

  3. rebecca says:

    in this predawn moment i have just discovered you and feel i am a cloud drifting into its rightful place.

    in one bright moment i have stumbled into ecstasy.

  4. Kathleen Botsford says:

    The cool thing is, your physical body can now assist in ridding the limiting thoughts from your consciousness too. All because of a a 'simple' aha moment…… Grace and healing in action.