Change Sucks

July 22nd, 2010

I’m headed to Yosemite tomorrow to visit my younger daughter, who’s the park anthropologist, and I’m looking forward to real hiking instead of the metaphorical kind. 2010, while far from being my annus horribilis, has been a process of gaining a foothold and losing a foothold, over and over, until I feel I’m right back where I started in January. I’ve been disappointed in myself more often than I like to admit and exasperated to tears by the people around me at times. Who am I and why don’t I know what I’m doing?! It’s ironic that I started the year jauntily declaring that 201o was going to be my year of Change,  but I didn’t stop to think it might be difficult, upsetting and bewildering change! I followed all the good advice I read in blogs and books (The Happiness Project, The Year of Wishful Thinking, Living the Creative Life, etc. ), did my Wildly Improbable Wish list, took workshops, practiced waking up spiritually — and then got kicked in the ass by the Universe, which was wearing steel-capped boots. Not that any of those books and blogs were wrong — they just weren’t right for me. Or maybe they were, but I wanted easy change because I thought I was doing all the right things to attract it. I was a caterpillar curled up waiting for a metamorphosis, a Saturday-afternoon-at-Saks makeover for my life. What I didn’t reckon with was that my year of change would feel more like being locked in an industrial-sized laundromat dryer than emerging from a cocoon with pretty wings. It’s forced me to take a close-up look at myself, my work, my past, my present. To pull myself up only to slide back down again. It’s kind of a relief to recognize it, admit it, lie here at the bottom of the mountain and just stop struggling so much. Who knows — maybe I’ll find another path, one that goes around the mountain instead of straight up and over or find that the whole point of change was in the struggle, not the outcome. The future is a mystery, but even so, I haven’t given up hoping for my own kind of  annus mirabilus along the way.

6 Responses to “Change Sucks”

  1. Leigh Webber says:

    You can give yourself a break… it’s only 2010! (Not 2011 yet) So perhaps you’re a year ahead?!

    Have fun escaping the oppressive heat. Yosemite sounds very refreshing.

  2. Anne Snutg says:

    You say what i feel but don’t have the skills to say. Thank you. I check your blog often and never fail to find some statement or question that resonates with me.

  3. Anne Smith says:

    My last name is Smith….I typed the wrong letters.

  4. I’ve admired your relentless pursuit of change and self-improvement and related to your frustations too, because they mirror my own. I’ve made progress, not major changes. My accomplishments aren’t anything that would impress anyone but me, but I know their worth.

    I struggle with the same issues again and again and again. Life is a game of Chutes and Ladders for me. After all these years, I’m still playing. I haven’t thrown the dice or dumped the board or stalked off and blamed the other players for my misfortunes. It may not seem much, but hey, that’s a BIG accomplishment. : )

  5. ca says:

    Right on V-Grrrl. I haven’t given up inside, although outside appearances can be deceiving. You and Nikki both inspire me.
    Nikki, our drive through Yosemite was hot then stormy yesterday. spectacular as always. Here’s hoping you were in the sun.

  6. nikki says:

    We went hiking, Katie…it was beautiful beyond my wildest expectations, but I had a struggle with the altitude at 9,000 ft. My 1 1/2 lungs weren’t acclimated. Downhill all the way to the falls (ice cold and fantastic snow melt) and the uphill all the way back. For awhile I thought they’d have to helicopter me out.

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