I.D. Please

March 25th, 2010

I want to be liked. I want to do good. I want to be a responsible adult. I want to be self-actualized. I want to eat 5 servings of vegetables a day and love sushi instead of just pretending I do. I want to go gray gracefully. I want to be politically and spiritually correct. I want to enjoy volunteering and believe my prayers actually go out there somewhere to someone. But I also want to be bad. I want to tan. I want to eat Irish butter. I want to wear fur. I want to have meaningless sex. I want to spend money on totally useless shit that will make me momentarily happy. I want to drive a gas guzzling truck. I want to put chemicals on my grass so it will be really thick and green. I want to eat out every night. I want to stop worrying about my carbon footprint and just buy more shoes. I want to stop feeling guilty about polar bears. I want to eat a whole bag of those cheese things that stain your fingers orange. I want someone else to be the office nanny and deal with problems at work while I put headphones on and tune them out. I want to smash palmetto bugs instead of respecting their life force and shooing them outside. I want to live beyond my means. I’ve fallen short and failed at several things lately that are important to me, and maybe it feels so devastating because I’m still trying to be the good girl I never was. I admire people whose lives are wholeheartedly pointed toward True North on the moral compass, but like my mood board, I’m a jumble of contradictory impulses and messages, always changing, constantly finding my way and losing it — over and over again and again.

12 Responses to “I.D. Please”

  1. Our contradictions make us interesting, complex–and human.

    I read something recently that said the more “green” people were in their living, the more likely they were to rationalize bad behavior in themselves–such as lying, cheating, stealing. The writer/researcher theorized that the “moral righteousness” they achieved with their perfectly green ways fed a kind of narcissism that made them feel they’d earned the right to do bad things elsewhere. Same thinking might be used by the Catholic sex abusers, huh?

    Anyway, no one has it all together. I think we should strive for the 80/20 rule in our lives and be “good” 80 percent of the time and then eat Irish butter and throw out recyclables and go shoe shopping the other 20 percent.

  2. How is it that you are able to post as though you have been crawling around in my head??????????

    I am a woman of few words. You said it all so well.

  3. Jen says:

    I know exactly what you mean and feel the same way. I always all my contradictions somehow manifest in my work. You know.. that scatterbrained collection that looks like it could have been made by 5 different people? It drives me crazy sometimes..

    I’ve always wondered if I would get to a place where my vision of who I was would be clear and consistent. Its probably going to be a long wait!

  4. nikki says:

    Love this…I will eat my Irish butter without guilt this weekend!

  5. hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm Irish butter sounds good to me too. Maybe we should designate the weekend as Irish Butter Eating time…………………….

    Personally, I’m thinking Cosmopolitans.

    I found a copy of “The Girl In The Pearl Earring” for $6 yesterday. I’m going to watch it at least twice this weekend……sit on my lazy butt and watch the movie….and not feel guilty about not going to the studio to work. And not feel guilty that I didn’t recycle a danged thing this week. And feel good that I know I am not alone.

  6. Oh yeah, and I love that image of Elvis on your board. You go.

  7. Jen R. says:

    I often follow pilates with popcorn slathered in butter and coconut oil (and oh yeah…sprinkled with chocolate chips). I clean when I want to be playing. I watch reality TV and wonder if I should be writing. I spend way too much time at Target, but I do bring my own bags. I just wish I spent less time worrying about the balancing act…

  8. Cindy Wills says:

    I often find myself in your posts, but not this one. With this post I am the odd girl out. I really have no desire to be politically correct and I don’t know what Irish butter is. I don’t feel the need to be ‘good’ vs who I am. I have a wide range of interests but I don’t care much for ‘messages in the media’. Hmmm… I do feel bad about the polar bears… but that’s because I lived in Alaska and the polar bear was my university mascot. Not sure what this says about me!

  9. Christina says:

    You have a way with lists that get me every time {love!} And yes. Contradictions. We are again and again and again a mess of contradictions.

  10. Victoria says:

    Hi Nikki, its Victoria here from the HM Writing Course. Just wanted to say I’ve really enjoyed looking at your blog, you are a great writer. Such a lovely easy style, I can imagine sitting down and have a lovely chat to you with a nice cuppa as we’d say here in England.

    This post especially resonated with me. Wonderful stuff.

    Victoria xx

  11. nikki says:

    Thanks, Victoria. This is the first time I’ve really participated in an ecourse community and it’s pretty cool! Nikki

  12. Marshanna says:

    ME TOO!

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