I had drinks with my Tuesday friend (on Thursday) and learned that a mutual acquaintance whose talent and phenomenal success I’ve always envied has moved out of town. When you’ve spent a lot of subliminal creative energy being jealous of someone, it leaves a void when you don’t have that straw (wo)man to fight. I had to ask myself what she had represented in my life that was so thorny. Some career trajectory I’d missed, some talent I lacked, some spiritual certainty I’d never have? Envy is embarrassing because it makes you so small, even if no one but you knows about it. Of course I can use this as an opportunity to do soul searching or at least to face what I’ve felt and name it–but oh how mortifying, how human!
At least you envied someone who was talented, spiritual, and successful. How small does that make me, envying the chick with the good hair and the cute ass?
Hey, I envy the young women with unblemished lives and bodies too!