Feed Me!

June 9th, 2013

Wanting

 “Greed leads to pain because the ego is never satisfied for long, it always wants more.” Alan Chin

I”ve been thinking about this quote all week because my XXL ego is a bottomless pit. It gets home from one trip and starts wanting another. It nags that writing a blog is not enough, that I need to get that Great American Memoir published. It wants to be a writer instead of to write. It thinks it’s always missing out on something — the hot new restaurant, the hippest people, the next best thing. There’s something scary about giving up the ego’s hunger — who will I be if I let go of all the bright shiny toys that I think it needs: my identity as someone who started a magazine, my identity as someone who keeps up with what’s happening now, my identity as someone who might still get another Big Idea. But it keeps me trapped in the prison of my same old unchanging patterns and strapped to the wheel of pain. So I decided my ego needs a snakebite antidote, and it probably needs to be prayer and meditation. Prayer?!  Yeah, prayer–some kind of crazy-ass, non-Christian prayer to the non-Messiah. I pray to the universe, to a nearby muse, to the great weaver I hope is out there somewhere designing some new flower species, quirky little ocean creatures, quarky  little black holes, clouds that will blow my mind, lost planets,new colors for our delight. If I pray to one of those no-name deities before I start writing, shit happens. I don’t pray to write a masterpiece, only for it to come from someplace pure and to be words that are true to me. I’m not looking to save my soul, find Jesus or be part of a church community. I don’t even think I believe in prayer, but maybe I don’t have to for it to work. I hesitate to describe how has worked for me or to put it in writing for fear it will disappear, but I’m flinging it out there anyway in case it rings a bell with someone else. As for meditation, I know it’s the medicine my mind craves and yet I’ve resisted setting aside 10 minutes to dip into the world-wide consciousness every day. After all, you can’t feed your ego while you meditate. But the more I read about it and try it and fail and come back for  more, the louder I hear the siren call. I don’t want to give up my curiosity and the urge to create, but I want to learn how to set aside the ego that holds me back from doing that, the ego that can only cry More! More! More! and never Enough. Feeding my ego is a full-time job because  I’ll never have proof from it that I’m worthy, only more and more things to accomplish, buy, consume, long for or chase that won’t make me happy. I’d rather be free to write.

4 Responses to “Feed Me!”

  1. V-Grrrl says:

    And for reasons I can’t quite articulate, this reminded me of a poem I wrote a number of years ago:

    http://www.v-grrrl.com/the-art-of-life/2007/9/12/learning-to-be-hungry.html

  2. Rebecca says:

    I love the honesty in which you write. It captivates the reader. Another great post.

  3. Tori Walters says:

    You’ve mentioned before about the difficulty sitting for meditation for ten minutes. Have you tried knocking it back to five? Or even three? Then build up to ten. As for your prayers…..if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. Also don’t dwell too much on it…throws bad vibes on it. Hope this helps!

  4. nikki says:

    I actually have scaled back from 15to 10 but if I start having trouble wt 10 I’ll switch to 5.Seems like the key is to establish a habit and then grow it. Thanks!

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