Archive for ‘Lists’

Nana Says

February 16th, 2010
1. Learn how to apply lipstick without a mirror.
2. Put your napkin in your lap as soon as you sit down.
3. Don’t date men who wear baseball caps indoors.
4. You may be the apple of someone’s eye, but don’t act like you’re the center of the universe.
5. No one looks good chewing gum.
6. There’s probably a time and place for blue eye shadow, but no one has discovered it so far.
7. Never talk on a cell phone when you’re checking out in the supermarket.
8. Those no-parking fire lanes in front of Starbucks? They don’t mean “no parking except for your car.”
9. For god’s sake, spell check your resume!
10. Your wedding shouldn’t be the high point of your life.
11.There’s no such thing as “settling down.” Life happens.
12. Always wear red underwear in case you take a fall in your high heels.

Report from the 3rd Eye

January 20th, 2010

This chakra connects you to your sense of intuition, or Inner Guru. A bindi placed in the middle of the forehead reminds you to tap into this higher power. As a native of Kentucky, I’d feel kind of fake displaying a bindi in public, but at home, it might remind me to trust my Guru Girl, to listen to her when she tells me:

– If he never takes you out in public, he’s someone you should be ashamed of.
– as Gretchen Rubin writes in The Happiness Project, the actions of love are the proof of love.
– true friends don’t ditch you for a guy … they let him come along when you go out.
– Your best friend is always your designated hitter, designated driver and designated spokesperson in case of a family tragedy. Class acts don’t bare their souls to Ann Curry.
– You don’t have to go home again.

Things to do in 2010

January 1st, 2010

1. Buy a black leather biker jacket.

3. Take yoga seriously. Yet again.
4. Create a map of Fridaville. Include a Champagne bar.
5. Unpack my suitcase the day I get home from a trip.
6. Learn the lyrics to “Accentuate the Positive” by Johnny Mercer & sing it every morning.
7. Master making the “r” sound in French.
8. Stop checking the Dow and study the Tao.
9. Invest in Forever stamps.
10. Upgrade to 1st class whenever possible and stop apologizing for it.
11. Once I take yoga seriously, design my own mat at Yogamatic.com.
12. Wear a bathing suit when I play Wii synchronized swimming.
13. Fall in love and elope. Wait–I already did that once and it ended in tears.
14. Accept that I’m a poodle ,not a working dog, and stop feeling guilty about it.
15. Dress on the outside the way I feel on the inside.

Fridaville Friday Night

October 23rd, 2009

Unfortunately, this is not where I’ve been spending the last week. No, I’ve been in my house for 5 DAYS AND NIGHTS battling some interplanetary virus that I swear was released when NASA drove a bus into the moon. While it was kicking my ass, I watched more bad TV than I imagined possible, ate weird food foraged from my kitchen (tomato soup with walnuts on the side), slept on the couch with all the lights on, and in the process, lost 3 pounds (!). All in all, an eventful week. Tonight I have a Z-Pak, Mucinex, codeine cough syrup, a frozen pizza and a People Magazine — another rockin’ Friday in AARPville. (Come to think of it, though, I’ve known some young Deadheads who would think a frozen pizza and hydrocodone cough syrup spelled P-A-R-T-Y.) But when I think what I could be doing on a Friday night if I weren’t an invalid, I have to admit the alternatives aren’t all that different:

1. Go to a downtown art opening where everyone is 350% hipper than I am. The men will be wearing porkpie hats, and the women will have on odd, velvet swagged dresses picked up for a song at vintage shops. The dresses will have a patina of Jazz Age authenticity that I mistake for dirt. I will know no one and will wander around with a steno pad pretending to take notes. The art students passing drinks will be dressed as famous paintings. I will probably spill red wine on the boy in Andy Warhol’s soup can.
2. Move on to the bar near my office and pretend to be totally unaware of all the meat market men out past their expiration date, because I am oh so absorbed in writing deep thoughts in my journal and looking supercilious and literate. No one hits on me, and I pretend to be relieved.
3. Still at the bar, I check my watch repeatedly and surreptitiously call my gay husband and beg him to meet me at the bar and pretend we had a prearranged date to discuss…something or other. Since he just put a frozen pizza in the oven, it’s a no-go. Leave a big tip because I want the bartender to like me.
4. Casually drop by a married couple’s house at dinner time (married people generally have regular meal times) ostensibly to replace a lemon I once borrowed, planning to hang around til they’re forced to invite me to dinner. Find they are leaving for a church oyster roast. They urge me to join them, but I am afraid of being burned as a witch.
5. Go home, put a frozen pizza in the oven, sip leftover cough syrup in a bottle I find in the bottom of my sock drawer while I wait for dinner to cook. Wait, sip, wait. Burn pizza, fall asleep on couch with lights on while I watch Dateline NBC. Dream I gain 3 pounds being force fed tomato soup.

Not-so-deep Dark Secrets

September 19th, 2009

  • I like to run the air conditioner with the front door open. I know, I know–it’s bad. But I can’t help wanting to do it.
  • I don’t like fruit. I know it’s good for me and I eat it because I have to, but I don’t ever go, “Oh god I’m craving a mango and some hormone-free yogurt made in Iceland with a scoop of fat-free granola.” I grew up eating bread, butter and sugar sandwiches, every apple is a step forward for me.
  • I think the Guinness Book of World Records is a stupid waste of time, as is so much stuff (any MTV awards show, People Magazine, Vanity Fair, The View, pie eating contests) aimed at taking our minds off the fact of our mortality.
  • Despite the point above, I have to admit I love Flipping Out on Bravo. Hey, I’m human and like to forget I’m mortal every now and then.
  • I am utterly lazy at heart.
  • I worry about smelling bad when I’m old. I also worry that no one will tell me if I do. Is it inevitable?
  • I’m incredibly bored by reading or hearing about people’s weddings. Like dreams, I think they are mainly interesting to the people who are having them or hoping to have them. Marriages, on the other hand, have infinite drama.
  • My biggest regret is that I wasn’t successful at marriage. It makes me feel less-than even though I have an amazing life.
  • I’m addicted to reading mysteries because I love the god-like character of the Detective (excepting Miss Marple, who totally annoys me) and the possibility it will all come right in the end. Could that be why I was bad at marriage? Living with ambiguity is not my strong suit.

How to Turn on the Light

August 27th, 2009

At the worn-out end of summer, when one more day of wet southern heat seems unendurable, I start to long for fall. For the clothes, the cool nights, for saying adios to mosquitoes. Until we get a stretch of drab rainy days that settles in like the dullest sermon in the longest church service you ever endured. Will winter be this sad, I wonder. Suddenly, everything in my yard looks chewed on and just plain defeated. I can’t think of anything I want to fix for dinner. My waistband is too tight and I hate the way my hair looks. I cannot conjure up any happy endings, and it will be a long winter unless I can turn up the creative heat around here. Here’s my preliminary list of S.A.D. busters:

* Light the Lux Perpetua candles that languish on my coffee table.
* Vitamin D
* More music, less news
* Learn the words to some songs and sing along even though I can’t carry a tune. I think humming and singing off key joyfully might release endorphins, and I have a severe endorphin shortage right now.
* Stop trying to control outcomes for my kids’ lives. Trust them to prevail over adversity without my intervention. Pray to some one, some force for them to be okay.
* Remember how good working out feels when it’s over.
* Paint my front door a happy color to make me smile when I come home.
* Get rid of possessions that depress me — the bed in the spare room, the beige area rug that just lies there being dull, the ugly, uncomfortable kitchen table chairs that I’ve been too lazy to replace.

to be continued…


Things I Love

August 25th, 2009

* Sunglasses because when I wear them I feel invisible. It’s not movie-star hiding-in-plain-sight. It’s “If they can’t see my eyes, I’m a camera.” And red because it’s the antidote to my standard black.

* Uncap Hendricks Gin, and there’s a hint of herbs, sun-braised fields, cucumbers and what I think it might smell like to ride through the Polish countryside on a farm cart at dusk in the summer of 1935. In fact, “Encounter” by Czelaw Milosz is a poem in a glass…sad, nostalgic, full of longing for a lost beauty.

* Virgin of Guadalupe candles. I would love to believe, but I just don’t. But the wanting keeps me lighting her candles just in case.

* Hula glasses. I never wanted to go to Hawaii. Thought it was touristy, gimmicky, Don Ho-ish. And it is. But it’s also the smell of flowers that floor you when you get off the plane from the shrink-wrapped mainland. It’s hiking through bamboo forests. It’s the vistas of the Pacific that make your soul sough in and out with the waves. I can’t wait to return someday.

Succulent

August 17th, 2009


* CRUSH: Marlon Brando wearing Levi’s in The Wild Bunch (MasterCard using his image to shill for them, not).
* TASTE: Roasted caramelized cauliflower
* LUSH: the shower after hot yoga
* ESCAPE: Peaks Island, Maine
* EYE CANDY: Lighted globes
* LISTEN: “Wild is the Wind,” by Cat Power (sad and succulent) and “The Eternal Seduction of Eve,” by The Real Tuesday Weld. (sensual and succulent)
* MUSE: Jack Kerouac’s Rules of Spontaneous Prose, cut out of Utne Magazine (I think) years ago and carried about with me every time I’ve moved. Still hanging on my mood board. Online list found via Secret Notebooks, Wild Pages. Print it out, hang it up where your eye will catch it daily.

Wishful Thinking

July 25th, 2009

That my son and grandson had presentee fathers. That so many assholes weren’t politicians. That winter would come just long enough for me to wear my boots and sweaters a few times and then beat it back to the North Pole or wherever. That I could remember to do pushups every day. That I had more self-confidence, less self-consciousness. That I could learn to walk in high heels without tripping, skidding and falling off the sides. That I knew more salty and savory people, fewer saccharine sweet ones. That I understood how to use my heart rate monitor. That I would ever in my lifetime achieve and maintain Warrior 3 in yoga — forget about Crow. That “Africa” by Toto wasn’t stuck in my brain right now. That FreshBerry frozen yogurt qualified as my daily serving of fruit. That it were cocktail time right now.

What Allures Me Now

June 11th, 2009

* The Frozen Thames by Helen Humphreys. The Thames has frozen 40 times in recorded history, and Humphreys has written 40 tiny stories based on events that happened each time the river iced over.  It’s poetic history.
* This pin from Lochers.com is so cheeky and deceptive. It looks like something a proud mommy would wear…until you lean in a bit closer.
* The Help by Kathryn Stockett. I gulped it down in one furious read. If you belong to a bookclub, it would be a great choice. 
* Spinning. I tried it a few months ago and hated it. Tried it again this week and suddenly got interested. Didn’t fall in love with it, but all of a sudden I loved that my body could do it and that I’m soaking wet and psyched when it’s over. We’ll see if I can keep it up.  And going to a class first thing in the morning means exercise is OVER for the day. Hallelujah.
* This ring from Bjorg jewelry. They say they’ll have a U.S. online site soon. I’ll be there!